Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
