you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
why do cheetos always look like penises
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
