I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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