I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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