Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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