Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize