Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
