Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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