Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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