I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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