I just pynch a tree in the face
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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