im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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