I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
