You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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