R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
