capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
