Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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