He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
