Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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