I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize