Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
