i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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