I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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