I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
