**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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