the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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