He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
