are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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