Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
