after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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