I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
