I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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