I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize