I wish I only lived at night.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So vagazzling was a success
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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