Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
