woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
