About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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