I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
