How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
