if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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