Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
