; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
