Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
