Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize