I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
