I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
