I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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