Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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