I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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