First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
