this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
