Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
