My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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