I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
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