i dedicated my morning wood to you.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
