Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
