The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
