I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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