It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
