Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
