If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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