She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We are all done wearing pants today
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
