It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
