I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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